Falling with the rain
by The Leaf 180
Summary: The rain, is calming, it is numbing, he lays in it, he does not know why. He has a visitor, who has complications of his own and is in need of a little advice. They talk, and Kakashi can't help but wonder about the man he knows so little about. NOT YAOI!


The rain is dripping.

It mixes with the blood stained on me.

It forms a puddle at my feet.

It cleans me.

The sky is bleeding.

It started slowly, it gained momentum, and it poured down around me.

It is all around me.

The sound of the rain, washing the misery away.

Cleansing the earth.

Pitter patter.

It is calming.

I am suspended, in the isolated part of the forest.

The mud is clinging to my feet and soaking me up to my ankles.

I don't care.

The rain, it numbs me, I can feel it battering me as the wind picks up.

It fades.

My eyes close.

My mind wanders elsewhere.

I can feel the darkness, it flows around me, swamps me.

It pressures me, always pushing, pulling.

It burns on my fingertips and lingers on the edge of my mind.

It grows daily.

Someday, I believe, it will take over my mind entirely.

I will be overcome by the darkness.

But that is my job.

As an ANBU.

No one speaks of it.

But I know they fight the shadows to.

I can feel in in their stance.

I can hear it in words unspoken.

I can sense it.

They don't want it either, they will resist.

They will die to, and they will be free.

There is no such thing as an ex-ANBU.

You don't have time for anything else; your time on ANBU is until you die.

Many ANBU die and the darkness die with them.

It is their curse.

It is the war forever fought.

They live in it

and die in it

and it swallows you

and pressures you

and it chokes you

and it grows

and creeps up your back

and to your throat

and your throat gets tight

and hard to breath in

and it suffocates you slowly.

I do not remember falling.

I do not remember hitting the ground.

I do not remember the mud splashing around me and soaking my armor.

I do not remember it greedily seeping into my hair and in between my fingers.

I do not remember the rain pounding me.

Harder.

Faster.

It slides off my mask like tears.

I remember my eyes opening slowly.

Breaking dull, gray light into my mind.

The darkness recedes.

My arm is stiff as it reaches to my face.

I pull off the ANBU mask.

I am flat on my back.

My arms are outstretched carelessly.

My mask hangs loosely in my limp hand.

The sticky mud does not hesitate to grab it and pull it under.

I watch out of the corner of my eye.

My eyes close again.

I do not hurt.

I am not wounded and the blood absorbed into my armor is not mine.

I am not tired and I have no reason to be wasting time.

I lack the resolve to move, get up, go and be assigned yet another mission.

Maybe I need this time to rest because I'm not sure when I'll get another moment like this one.

I am feeling lightheaded and nostalgic.

I do not know why.

Maybe it's because the rain and the mud reminds me of her.

How we would go outside in it and play in it and not care how wet we got.

Never again.

Never again would I hear her light laugh or see her fragile smile or feel her delicate hand in mine.

Never again would I be able to hold her close or smell her scent or feel her reassuring murmurs.

She's gone.

The death or Rin is still raw and painful on my mind.

But I am not suicidal.

I will get up, eventually.

Or someone will find me.

They always do.

The worst that would happen is a bad cold.

But as the weather gets colder so does my heart.

It doesn't matter.

I am hardened and used to it.

I will be okay.

I'll get through it.

I'll survive.

I always do in the end.

I sigh.

I imagine the world spinning out from under me.

I am floating.

Farther away where the ache in my heart is gone and I can find peace.

I feel dizzy.

I know this won't happen.

But it helps me to imagine.

That can't hurt anyone can it?

People say that's a way to deal with it.

To let them move on in peace.

That's impossible to me.

They tell me to say their same, it gives closure.

I guess it's supposed to make you feel better.

It doesn't make me feel better.

It might help them, but I'm different.

The rain pounds against the ground in synch with my heartbeat.

The puddle in widening, it is growing.

I am in the center.

I feebly wonder if I lay here in the downpour long enough, would I drown?

I know the answer.

I guess I'm feeling a little open minded for once.

Or maybe I'm going a little crazy.

It has happened to others.

I wonder, if the other ANBU could see me right now, what would they say?

Would they laugh at me?

Would they look on sadly and call me insane?

Would they think I finally lost it?

Would I lose their respect?

Would they think of me as childish?

But I do not care of what they think.

I like the rain.

It is calming.

They should try it sometimes.

It takes off a lot of stress and it gives you plenty of time to think.

They would need it.

They should join me sometime.

I grin under my mask.

Yes, something was definitely off about me today.

I would never have said something like that to their face.

They would give me the strangest look…

My smirk grows as I imagine it.

I don't think I'll move yet.

I don't feel like it.

Maybe I'll never move again.

Maybe if I stay here long enough the rain will swallow me completely and I'll sink into the ground and never resurface.

I'll just disappear into the ground and never come out.

I could have laughed.

I had such an imagination today; it was a shame for it to go to waste.

If only I had someone to share this lovely storm with me.

I do get lonely sometimes.

I'm only human after all.

I mean, what do people expect?

Everyone has days like this.

Except for me I guess.

I guess I'm not allowed.

I guess they want me to be Mr. Top-ANBU-masked-protégée-jounin-sharingon-copy-cat-thousand-jutsu-killer-obedient-always-serious-emotionless-sodier they all know.

They want me to be one of the many underlings of the Hokage, ones he can use.

And I will, but I can have a moment to relax too right?

Everyone needed sometime on their own.

I creak my eye open as I catch the sounds of footprints.

Not light and hesitant like a woman's, but steady and loud.

My keen hearing tells me that whoever it is, he is alone.

The foreign footprints are almost familiar to me.

After all, this one had only been on my team for about a month now.

I wonder how long he will last; something tells me he will stick around.

He is a fighter.

He is like me.

I can hear the howl of wind, it is faint as I zone out.

The rain picks up.

It is striking me harder and colder than before.

I am drenched.

I can feel it.

My clothes are completely covered in mud and sticking to me so tightly that it makes me look boney and small and weak and maybe a little underweight.

It was getting a little cold.

I can fell the cold ache in my bones and a part of my mind is lulling me to sleep.

I want to give in, but I know better than that.

That would ruin my reputation.

No one would take me seriously anymore.

The footsteps are louder, I can hear them clearer.

The ANBU enters my field of view.

I side my eye open, watching him dully, faint interest shining in my eye.

I had to go now right?

They wanted me for another meeting, another briefing, another scolding.

I sigh softly.

I just wanted to lay here.

I peer at the figure above me as my eyes gain focus.

So I was right.

I had a feeling.

Itachi Uchiha leers over me with distaste and scorn in his eyes.

The emotions are gone almost as soon as they flashed across his face.

I feel like I'm looking in the mirror.

His eyes are dead.

I see that in a lot of ANBUs lately.

I would have never thought I would be classified with them too.

We stare at each other for a few moments.

I do not move.

I will not blink first.

But soon, it is I who is first to break the silence.

"Yo"

I am not sure if he hears me.

He is unresponsive.

I wonder what he's thinking.

"What are you doing Wolf?"

Ah, so he decided to answer.

This was going to be fun.

"Lying down."

I can't tell if he is amused or exasperated.

I think I can hear a muffled sigh.

I smirk under the mask.

Everyone was too serious around here, they needed a few jokes every once and a while.

It would loosen them up.

It wouldn't hurt everyone to take a break every once and a while.

"I can see that… what I should have asked was, why?"

He can't see my grin under the mask.

But its wiry and mischievous and I bet if he could see it he would definitely call me immature.

I'm still his superior and I'm still his squad captain.

I could order him around as much as I want; it was his choice to join the ANBU in the first place.

But still I don't really know him too well just yet.

So much for first impressions.

"I want to."

I can feel his frustration of not getting a straight answer out of me.

I don't care.

It's fun to mess with people.

And I can mess with just about anyone.

There's almost no one above me.

Except Hokage-sama of course, and the Sannin.

But other than that, I can do about anything.

I like being in charge.

"Are you hurt?"

My smile falters.

No, I'm not hurt physically, I'm in good shape.

I'm hurting in the heart, in places no one can heal.

He must have sensed my hesitation.

I look up at him, searching his eyes, wondering what lies in its depths.

I take my time answering.

"No… of course not."

I can see his eyes narrow.

I don't know if he believes me.

I don't know if he understands what I'm trying to get at.

I wonder if he's confused.

I wonder if he will get it.

I can see him thinking, what exactly was I doing out here?

The rain was relentless.

The mud was flowing all around me.

It was beginning to suck my feet into the mud.

It grabs the back of my head and hangs on.

It clings to my every limb, growing with the rain.

How long will he stay here?

How long will he wait for me?

I don't know when I'll leave.

I'll have to go before the mud hardens and cements me to the ground.

That would be really embarrassing.

I would be stuck.

How awkward…

My awareness returns sharply as I hear the _squelch! _of mud.

I blink in surprise.

Itachi Uchiha is easing his way into the mud next to me.

We lay together.

I cautiously gaze out of him from the corner of my eye.

What was he doing?

The same thing I was, I guess.

I flex my fingers to make sure they still work.

Now I was aware of the silence, it wasn't as comforting as when I was alone.

It was an empty silence.

I didn't know what do.

Was I supposed to talk to him?

His face is upturned and emotionless as he gazes at the stormy sky.

We lay underneath it.

I wonder what he's thinking.

It's so hard to tell; normally I'm good at these kinds of things.

But not with him.

He is so unpredictable.

And I've only had a month to get to know him.

This might take a while.

I am content with the lack of noise.

My thoughts return, but I am consciously aware of his presence.

I keep wondering what he's doing.

I guess this is the confusion he had felt when he had seen me, lying in the mud.

I wonder if he had understood what I was trying to do or even started to wonder.

I guess he accepted my actions in the end.

He hadn't questioned them, a good trait for ANBU.

He had decided to join me.

This is going to be great.

"Wolf?"

Ah, so this was what he was getting at.

He wants to talk to me.

That's fine; I hope he knows what he's doing.

"You can call me Kakashi."

That's okay right?

I mean, it's only when we're alone.

I can't get in trouble for that.

It's just my name.

I'm only Wolf when I'm on a mission.

"…Kakashi?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Can we talk?"

"Sure, something on your mind kid?"

I don't know what makes him want to come talk to me.

There are plenty of other people to talk to.

He has his own clan he can question all day long if he felt like it after all.

What's so important that he has to come to me for answers?

Maybe he's coming for advice on something; I've always been open to giving pointers.

Maybe he's just asking about the next mission or something.

I'm not jumping to conclusions.

I just hope it's not too personal.

"Why did you join the ANBU?"

This isn't what I was expecting.

This just came out of nowhere.

What was that kid thinking?

Why did I join the ANBU?

I would have to be careful with my answer.

I frown without realizing it.

"I guess it's because I have nothing to lose."

Where did that come from?

I should have just stuck with the original "I want to protect the village" like everyone else.

I sigh.

He turns to me, waiting for an explanation.

"What I mean is, you have a family, and a little brother and they would miss you. Their lives wouldn't be the same without you. But, everyone I grew up with has been gone for a long time now, and if I died, I could accept it, and the village could accept it, and move on."

Or maybe I joined ANBU because I was secretly hoping for an excuse to die.

I shake the thought out of my head.

I wouldn't do that.

That's crazy.

I'm not crazy.

I'm Kakashi.

And I'm wolf.

But I am not crazy.

We listen to the sound of rain splattering against the mud and I watch it fall from the sky.

It loses its grip on the clouds, and it's

falling...

falling...

Until it hits ground and is soaked up and forgotten along with many others.

It is not missed.

The storm will pass, and the rain soaked ground will be dried and this storm will become part of the past.

It's the same with the ANBU.

We are nothing put a small fraction of the big picture.

When a piece falls out, we can be easily replaced.

Just little minions of the Hokage.

Nothing special.

I want to go back to the lightheadedness from before.

I can feel a chill working its way into my bones.

I can feel the cold creeping up on my starting with my legs and crawling up.

I don't like that feeling.

It makes me feel frozen, immobile.

I hadn't tried moving.

Maybe I'm stuck here.

The mud is all over me and plastering my silver hair to my face.

It is caked on to my clothes.

It is in between my toes and fingers.

It is in the crook of my neck.

The inside of my elbow.

It has grown over my ankles.

It is swelling with the rain.

Maybe if I lay here long enough, I'll be buried.

I return to reality.

Itachi is looking at me funny.

I blink.

Did I miss something?

Did he say something?

Then I realize, he thinks I'm reminiscing about what I just said.

I flush a bit under my mask.

I was just thinking about the mud, nothing else.

Just the mud.

My eye twitches as a raindrop lands on it.

It glides down my face like a teardrop.

I keep my eyes on the grim horizon as I keep the conversation moving.

"What about you?"

There we go, take the attention off me.

I don't like being in the spotlight.

I might not look like it, but I hate being under pressure.

I'd rather stay quiet.

I'll let him do all the talking for now.

"I need to keep the village safe, destroy enemies… and make the world a safer place for my little brother, where he can grow up happy."

How nice, I think sarcastically.

If Itachi truly believed that, good for him, but I think that's just naïve.

Even if he can keep the village safe, it will only be for a short period of time.

Peace never lasts.

If you destroy enemies, that's just your judgment.

It's just who you think of as an enemy.

Everyone has a different side of the story.

And if you go around killing who you think are enemies, then aren't you the real enemy?

That wouldn't keep the village safe.

Much less the world.

Yes, Itachi Uchiha was narrow minded with a lot to learn.

And I had a lot to teach him.

Much to my surprise, the storm is actually calming.

I didn't think it would ever end.

The downpour has settled into a light drizzle.

I can feel it dancing across my face.

I wonder how long it's been going on.

I wonder how long I've been laying here.

I wonder if I'm missed yet.

Or we, since Itachi is with me.

I cast a sideways glance at Itachi, and saw something I'd never thought I'd ever see.

Itachi has eyes of regret, and something more, something hidden that I can't quite identify just yet.

What startles me more are the tears streaming down his face.

I know its tears, because it's not rain.

Rain doesn't come out of your eyes.

I don't know if he knows I'm watching him.

But he shouldn't feel embarrassed.

I wish I could cry like that.

I didn't think Uchiha's knew how to cry.

Except Obito, who always seemed to have something in his eye.

He pulls himself up, the mud clinging to him and a steady rain showering him.

He is drenched in mud.

He looks directly into my eye.

I stare back.

I see pain in his eyes, for reasons I can't explain.

He does not bother to wipe the tears away.

He does not seem ashamed for the tears he had shed.

A small smile forms on his lips, one of great sadness and I get a strange feeling.

Like something is going to happen, and I should know.

"Thank you, Kakashi"

He gets up and leaves me in the mud.

I feel confused.

I feel like I missed something.

It could be important.

It could have some secret message.

Was there something Itachi was trying to say?

I curse myself for not paying enough attention.

I can't shake the feeling of dread, the anticipating, the feeling like something is about to happen, something big.

Why was he crying?

What was happening?

I can't forget about it, I won't.

There was something he knew.

Is that why joined me?

Did he need to clear his head?

I like giving advice, and I don't mind people coming to me with their problems, but there are some things I'd rather not know.

Some things I'm better off without.

Itachi Uchiha is one of them.

The rain continues, it does not stop, and I wander in my own confusion.

Something is going to happen.

I know it.

I can feel it.

This feeling won't stop, I have to fix it.

I can't, I'm powerless.

And whatever Itachi was up to, it was up to him to figure it out for himself.

There is a lingering doubt in my mind, a small part of me silently begging.

Tell me...

Tell me...

But I resist.

* * *

><p>By the next day, Itachi is gone and the Uchiha clan is dead.<p>

And I can't help but feel like it's partially my fault.

I should have stepped in and steered him in the right direction, like a good friend would.

I should have known.


End file.
